Do We Spoil Our Children?

This is a common concern among parents. We wonder, "Will our children grow up to become self sufficient, able to deal with the tribulations of life, provide for themselves in a fast changing world, and maintain their Orthodox faith?" Children need to be nurtured, but as they grow older they also need to have limits set for them, learn to participate in family routines and be obedient to their parents directions.  We as parents are faced with the dilemma of balancing their immediate needs for gratification and the larger life lessons that they need to learn.

Dr. Mark Bertin tells us that current research shows that children benefit from strategies that build self-control and emotional resilience. these strategies involve saying-no, setting limits and not trying to satisfy them with stuff.

This is congruent with sound Orthodox teachings.  To know God we must overcome our passions.  We need a high degree of self-control to become united with God so we are obedient to do His will, living out the virtues that lead us to eternal life in His kingdom.  This can be taught at an early age.

Saint John Chrysostom tells us,

 Children who are submissive and faithful to God in their obedience to His law will have found an abundant source of happiness, even in this temporal life.... The youth to whom you give a good upbringing will not only enjoy general respect, he will also become dearer to you yourselves! Your attachment to him will not be a mere natural attraction—it will be the fruit of his virtue. For this, during your old age, you will in turn receive from him the services of his filial love. He will be your support.... Therefore I beg you to take care for the good upbringing of your children. First of all think of the salvation of their souls. God has placed you as the heads and teachers over your families. It is your duty to watch, and to watch continually after the behavior of your wife and children…

The Apostle Paul tells us, "You fathers... bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Eph 6:4).

It is most critical to make sure we raise our children in a way that they learn to respect their parents and love God. The main element for this is the loving environment of the family home. We as parents must be examples for our children. We must not only teach what Christ has shown us, but we must practice it. This love does not mean we accept bad behavior, but that we teach and practice the idea of repentance.  We must teach them to acknowledge their mistakes, and learn the power of forgiveness. Sometimes our punishments, especially when we respond out of anger, only cause a child to suppress their mistakes to avoid future punishment rather than seeking help and asking for forgiveness.  Repentance is the nature of a loving relationship.

Prayer is also an essential element in a Orthodox Christian life. This too we must practice and teach. We should have our children pray with us. A child who is brought up in a family atmosphere where daily prayer is practiced, will naturally be drawn to a pattern of daily prayer. Prayer should and can be just a normal part of our family life. It does not have to be a moment of upheaval to the family routine but instead the routine of daily family life itself. In addition to our daily prayer routine we also need to have a regular practice of participating in the worship services and partaking of the sacraments.  When our children prepare to take communion the parents should also be prepared to take communion with them. As a Deacon who administers Holy Communion, it always breaks my heart to see parents bring their children for communion and then turn away without receiving it themselves. This is not the right example to set. Worse yet are those who drop their children off for Sunday school and then come to church as it is ending. We must be ever conscious of what example we are setting. Only a sincere practice of faith will educate our children properly.

Obedience is another essential discipline our children must learn.  To live the life of Christ we must become obedient to His teaching out of our love for Him.  This begins with learning obedience to our parents. Children are very clever at finding tricks to get their own selfish way. These tricks do not lead them to true love and obedience that is necessary for a Christian life.  We need to expose them and teach them to respect and obey their parents who love them. Depending on age and maturity we move from "do as you are told" to a natural action that comes out of love for another person.

We can easily over do our attention to our children as well.  Elder Paisios gives us a thoughtful warning about the harm that comes from this.  He says,

Many parents bring their children spiritual harm by demonstrating their love for them in an inappropriate manner. For example, out of an excessive human love for her child, a mother may hug and kiss him, and say to him, “ O what a wonderful child you are,” or “You are the best little boy in the world, ”etc. As a result, from a very early age(while he is still unable to comprehend or object to the meaning of those words), the little one acquires a high opinion of himself, thinking of himself as the best of brightest. Naturally, for the same reason, he will not sense a need for God’s grace, and will not know to ask God for help. Thus from early childhood, the child will have a high opinion of himself that is rock-solid, one that he will never be able to overcome and will take with him to the grave. Moreover, the first to suffer from this haughtiness are the parents themselves. Really, will children quietly sit and listen to parental instructions when they are certain that they are the best, that they know everything? For this reason, parents should be very attentive to their children’s spiritual development; they bear responsibility not only for themselves, but for their children as well.

Orthodox parenting begins with a understanding that we are responsible for developing souls. Our task is to raise saints that God will embrace with great joy. To do this the parents also need to be like saints.

Elder Porphyrios says,

The parents need to devote themselves to the love of God.  They need to become saints in their relations to their children through their mildness, patience, and love.  They need to make a new start every day, with a fresh outlook, renewed enthusiasm and love for their children.  And the joy that will come to them, the holiness that will visit them, will shower grace on their children.  Generally the parents are to blame for the bad behavior of the children.  And their behaviour is not improved by reprimands, disciplining, or strictness.  If the parents do not pursue a life of holiness and if they don’t engage in spiritual struggle, they make great mistakes and transmit the faults they have within them.  If the parents do not live a holy life and do not display love towards each other, the devil torments the parents with the reactions of the children.  Love, harmony and understanding between parents are what are required for the children.  This provides a great sense of security and certainty.”

Examine your family life and evaluate how well you are practicing the Orthodox Way of Life, keeping in mind you are nurturing not just your own soul but also your child's.

Reference: Wounded by Love: The Life and Wisdom of Elder Porphyrios, trans. by John Raffan (Limni, Evia, GRE: Denise Harvey, Publisher, 2005), 196.

A New Baby - A Time of Change

An recent article in the WSJ peaked my interest .  It reported that a new baby can have a negative impact of a marriage relationship.  With the arrival of a child into a relationship there are new responsibilities, such as who gets up in the middle of the night to attend to the infant's needs, who changes the diapers and so forth.  Studies show that two thirds of couples see the quality of their relationship drop within three years of the birth of a child.  The main issue is that there are new tasks introduced into the relationship that take up time. These new responsibilities now have to be sorted out.  These easily become the source of conflict and can lead to permanent damage to a relationship.

Here are four issues identified in the article:
1. Increased conflict - more likely to have more intense fights over financial issues
2. New Roles - Men receive less attention and women focus more of their attention on the new baby.
3. Conversation Changes - Occupied with then new issues of child rearing that the talks necessary to maintain a should relationship are ignored. Also there is less time for intimate sexual relationships.
4. Less Sleep - The baby's schedule usually means that there is less sleep for both parents.

This said, how can these issues be overcome to maintain a sound relationship with God and each other?
The proven answer is prayer.  If the couple learns to make a small amount of time to pray together, then they will be blessed with God's grace to deal with the complications of a new child being introduced into the relationship. When we learn to pray together, then, as we face difficulties, we remember to call on God to help us, remembering His love for us, giving us greater patience to hold onto love for each other.  With prayer all difficulties can be endured.

A couple must first set aside a specific time for joint prayer.  It is also advised to include the repetition of the Jesus Prayer, "Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner,; as part of daily prayer.  The repetition of this prayer helps us develop the readiness for prayer at any time, especially when conflict arises.  When conflict does arise, the couple is more likely to pause and to make a small prayer, seeing help to calm themselves so they can deal with the issue causing the conflict in a reasoned manner.

A new baby is a time of change.  Examine your spiritual life and make sure it is in proper order.  If you do, you will be able to deal with all the changes demanded of a new parent.

Some guides for a daily prayer rule

Save the Children

On this day we remember the slaying of 14,000 innocent infants by Herod as he sought desperately to destroy the Christ child. As is described by Saint Romanos it was a horrible event. 

For they pursued the mothers and , when they caught up with them, they snached the children from their arms.  With bared swords, the soldiers met the mothers carrying the children in their arms.  So that each one cried, 'Kill them, but the bosom of Apraham will receive them like faithful Abel.' Thus the lawless one shed the innocent blood of balmeless children.... With daggers they were slain mercilessly.  Some were transfixed and breathed their last horribly; others were cut in two.  Still others had their heads cut off as they suckled and drew milk from the reasts of their mothers.  Then as a result of this, the cherished heads of the babes hung from their breasts, and the nipples were still held within their mouths by their delicate teeth.  Then the distress of the women who were nurshing the infants redoubled and became intolerable as they were physically torn from their two year old infants.

What is the spiritual lesson from this event?  Do we also have blood on our hands of innocent children?  Have we properly led children in the way of Christ? Have we damaged their souls by our own conduct?  Each time we have caused another to sin we have killed spiritually.  So, beware and reflect on your own actions.  The tyrant Herod is lurking in all of us and we may be blind to it.  Each time we misled a child by not attending Church we show them that its OK not to respect our time of worship.  Each day we do not offer prayers to our Lord we show them how unimportant daily prayer is for us.  


A friend fo mine told me this story.

One sunday, our youngest one noticed that Daddy was still sleeping when it was time to go to Church.  I had prepared the kids for church and we were ready to leave.  Out son then said, "I can't wait until I get as old as daddy.  Then I wont have to go to Church."  My husband heard this and immediately jumped out of bed and hurriedly readied himself of Church.  He never slept in again on a Sunday.

We can think of many such similar events that mislead our children spiritually. In such cases we too are as guilty as Herod.


Our Lord says to us,

Offenses will come: but woe unto him, through whom they come! It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about their neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones." (Lk 17: 1-2)

We have a responsibility to lead our children in spiritual life.  We need to show them through our example how to  honor our God.  We need to show though our own life the way to act according to his plan for us.  Each time we are not able to do this in the presence of children we may also become killers of souls of infants. 

How are Retarded Children Treated Spiritually?

According the Elder Paisios parents should have joy for their mentally challenged children.  Here is why.

Parents who have retarded children, must not feel sad for them, because their souls are already saved.  On the contrary, they must be happy, because their children, without making any efforts, have earned paradise.  What else can parents wish for their children?  If they face their child's defect in a spiritual way, they are also benefited and rewarded by God.

Reference: Elder Paisios of the Holy Mountain, p 138 

Beware of Teaching Children Pride.

Most of us parents are very proud of our children.  We are continually reinforcing their accomplishments with praise and telling them how wonderful they are.  But is this heathy for them?  This is a question that surely will draw much discussion and differing viewpoints.

Here is what Elder Paisios has to say,

Many parents, thinking they dearly love their children, end up destroying them without realizing it.  For example, a mother, who excessively loves her daughter, tells her while holding her in her arms: "I have the best chid in the world."  Therefore, from a very young age (when a child is unable to realize it and react against it) the child acquires a haughty mind-set and believes she is a nice person.  As a result, she is unable to sense the lack of God's presence and his benevolent power in her life and of course, cannot learn to ask for Him.  Consequently, she develops a self-confidence as stiff as marble, which often never goes away, since, as the time goes by, it becomes very difficult to get rid of it.

The challenge of a parent is to help their child develop a healthy self-esteem which includes humility, while teaching them that all comes from God.  Truly, we are all God's children and everything we have and can do comes from Him.  It is important to remember to thank Him for the gifts He gives us and out ability to develop and apply them.  Pride develops when we think our accomplishments are all our doing or that we are inherently better than others.

How about the extreme emphasis on sports and it competitiveness?  A recent survey showed that those who participate in the major sports of baseball, basketball or football are more likely to cheat in school.  These activities which emphasize personal accomplishment independent of God can lead our children away from God making it more difficult for them in later life to repent and come closer to God.

We as parents have an awesome responsibly.  First we have to develop humility ourselves.

Elder Paisios says,

Parents must look after their spiritual life, because apart from themselves, they are also responsible for their children.  Of course, they have the excuse of having inherited their negative traits fromt ehir own parents; they have no excuse, however, for not trying to get rid of them, once they become aware of their existence.

Work continually on your own relationship with God and you will continually become a better parent.

Raising Christian Children

What are the demands on a Christian parent?  How are we to bring up our children as Christians? The main thing is to act like Christians ourselves.


Here is some wisdom from Elder Paisios.

Parents must live like true Christians and be careful of their behavior.  Children are like computers; since a very early age, they register in their minds everything they see, or hear happening in their homes.  If they see their father and mother quarreling, cursing and using bad language, they record everything in their mind's tape.  So, when they grow older, they start cursing and quarreling using their parents language.  They behave this way, without really wanting to, but because they have inherited the pathetic behavior of their parents. Later on, when they realize their mistakes, they find it difficult to correct them.

As a parent every action you take is important when you raise children.  It is not necessarily what you say but how you act that teaches them the Orthodox way of life.  It's essential to show them the virtues as well as the way to practice their faith  Parents should pray with their children, attend Church regularly, participate with them in the sacraments, especially Confession and Holy Communion.  A parent's habit becomes the child's habit.  This is the way to raise Christian children.


Reference: Elder Paisios of the Holy Mountain, p 124

How About Both Parents working?

Often we hear the idea of both parents working cast in moral terms.  Some say to be a good Christian the mother should stay home to care for the children because their primary responsibility is to provide a caring home.


Here is what Elder Paisios has to say,

Both the father and mother will be responsible for not looking after their children and taking care about their future.  Not only is it not considered a sin if both of them work to earn more money in order to be able to pay for their children's studies, or build a house for their daughter, but it is their duty to do so.  The parents, who do not look after their children, are not good parents and they will have to justify their actions to God.  Sin is to earn money out of self-interest and not to have trust in God's providence.

The important question to ask is what is the reason that both parents work.  It is out of self-interest, prestige, or the attraction of a luxury way of living, or is it out of a need to care for their children.  Caring for our children is an essential responsibility in the eyes of God.


Reference: Elder Paisios of the Holy Mountain, p 124