Role of Reason and Logic in Our Spiritual life

I was trained as an engineer so I have an orientation to viewing things from a logical and scientific perspective. But this view often causes anxiety and gives me difficulty in my spiritual life. When I try to apply logic and science to an event we might call a miracle, I am easily confused. The spiritual reality of the event is lost. My mind tries to take an miraculous event like Lazarus' return to life and seek to develop rational scenarios in which he might not have been dead, but only subdued with some drug or herb, or something else that would give a rational explanation about how Jesus could raise Him from the dead.

I have found that when I am able to let go of this rational approach, a whole new world opens up. Scripture takes on a whole new meaning. Spirit is revealed. The saints and angels come and interact with us, miracles become realities. All becomes different.
Elder Paisios says,

The mysteries of God will be impossible to know and will appear strange and contrary to nature as long as we don't overturn our secular mindset and see everything with spiritual eyes. Those who believe that they can come to know God's mysteries through mere scientific theory, without spiritual life, resemble a fool who thinks he can look through a telescope and see Paradise.

Too often I am this fool. For many, overcoming our addiction to rationalism or scientism presents a great challenge. The secular world view in these times is based on rationalism and scientism. How do we overcome this tendency to allow our rational mind to dominate and blot out everything spiritual?

While I have not completely overcome this disability, here are some of the approaches that have helped me.

Bible Study: When reading Holy Scripture do not try and analyze it. Let the words enter your heart instead of your mind. Read it prayerfully and reflectively with the assumption that its words contain knowledge that will lift you beyond what your rational mind can ever figure out. See Scripture as your Divine teacher. As soon as you begin to analyze, looking up the Greek words, seeking archaeological evidence, checking parallels with history, searching for academic Biblical scholars'  explanations, you will never allow Scripture to teach you. You will aways be trying to figure it out with your rational mind. When you assume that you cannot understand it fully with your rational mind, then you will become a learner of spiritual truths. Then you will allow your heart to be opened and your soul to be nurtured. When you come to a passage you can't understand, do not discount it or judge it, but only say to yourself, "I am not yet ready to understand this." Pray that God may reveal this to you at some time in the future and continue reading thinking that the Scripture is my teacher, not my mind. You will find that Scripture begins to talk with you in a new way. You are giving it the authority it deserves, as the Word of God, to become a powerful teacher about Spirit.

Prayer: This is a  big one. For a long time I thought of prayer as a discipline, a way to gain control over my mind and its ability to rapidly generate thoughts, or as an obligation. I tried hard. I would increase my time in prayer with great effort. It was again my rational mind acting to stay in control, a form of pride. Then I began to realize that this was not leading me to a relationship with God that I desired. God did not seem to be listening to my prayers. I would struggle to find time to pray. Then one day my spiritual father said to me after I explained to him my difficulty in prayer, "Why are you so self-centered." That's all he said. I immediately thought, "Who me, self-centered?" I began to think about what He meant. Then I remembered he also said that Christ needs to be at the center of everything. "What did this mean," I pondered. In the Jesus prayer it is supposed to be a prayer of the heart and using my rational mind I would force my mind with great effort to focus itself on the heart. I was expecting some bright light to descend from above. Suddenly it dawned on me that Christ, the Light of Light, was already within me. He dwells in my heart. I receive Him into my being every time I participate in Holy Communion. Realizing this inner presence, My mind suddenly let go. My prayer was now in the heart where Christ abides. My mind was at peace. There was a sense of real communion with God. There were no flashing lights, only peace. He is now with me all the time whenever I stop and let go of my rational mind. It's not that I lose control, but I gain a different kind of control, one that is based on surrender to Spirit.
Saint Paisios says,

"When the mind enters the heart and the two work together, our work is not anymore the work of logic and reason. Sound reasoning is a gift. But this gift must be restored and sanctified."

Divine Liturgy: This is another place where I found you can experience a great change when you let go of your rational mind's control. When we enter with the Gospel book there is a prayer read that calls for the heavenly realm to join us. It reads: "O Master, Lord our God, Who has appointed in Heaven legions and Hosts of Angels and Archangels for the service of Thy Glory, grant that with our entrance there may be an entrance of Holy Angels serving with us and glorifying Thy goodness..." Here in the procession we are joined with all the angels and begin to prepare for the ultimate gift, Christ Himself, His Body and Blood, which will shortly be offered to us. To fully participate in the Divine Liturgy you have to accept the idea that invisible beings are real and then Spirit will make them appear as a reality to you. They are part of God's created reality and are especially present with us during the Divine Liturgy. Allow them to enter your presence as you worship and they will nurture your spirit and your soul will be filled with delight.

Daily Life: Learn that you do not have to feel you have to plan everything or explain everything.  With the right attitude you will find there are miracles happening all the time. Don't let your mind fool you, telling you this is not true.
Saint Paisios tells us,

If we try and solve problems using nothing else but our logic, we will end up quite confused. In each and every one of our actions, God must take the lead. Everything we do we must do trusting God, for otherwise we will be full of anxiety, our mind will get overwhelmed and our soul will be miserable.

This is a lesson that has taken me many years to learn and I still struggle to let go and not try to find a rational or scientific explanation for everything.  But knowing the right way to balance rational thought with Spirit I can catch myself and seek His help, putting my full trust in Him instead of my own intellect. This is when Christ becomes the center of my life.

Dialogue With Elder Paisios as He Faces Death

After spending time with my Father who at 98 is coming to terms with his mortality, I began to wonder how some of our Church Fathers would provide counsel in such situations.  I found this account of Elder Paisios as He faced terminal cancer.

–– Geronda, the final diagnosis has been made. Your tumor is cancerous and it's aggressive. 

–– Bring me a handkerchief so that I may dance to the song: "I bid farewell to you, O poor world!" I have never danced in my life, but now I will dance for joy as my death approaches. 

–– Geronda, the doctor said that first he wants to use radiation to shrink the tumor and then do surgery. 

–– I understand! First the air force will bombard the enemy, and then the attack will begin! I'll go up then and bring you news! Some people, even the elderly, when told by the doctor, "You will die," or "You have a fifty percent chance of surviving" get very distressed. They want to live. And then what? I wonder! Now, if someone is young, well , this is justifiable, but if someone is old and is still desperately trying to hang on, well, this I just don't understand. Of course, it's quite different if someone  wants to undergo therapy in order to manage pain. He's not interested in extending life; he only wants to make the pain somewhat more bearable so that he can take care of himself until he dies –– this does make sense.  

–– Geronda, we are praying that God may give you an extension on your life. 

–– Why? Doesn't the Psalmist say, "The days of our years are threescore years and ten?" 

–– But the Psalmist  adds the following, "And if by reason of strength they be foreshore years..." 

–– Yes, but he adds the following, "Yet is their strength labor and sorrow," in which case it is better to have the peace of the other life. 

–– Geronda, can someone, out of humility, feel spiritually unprepared for the other life and wish to live longer in order to get prepared? 

–– This is a good thing, but how can he know that, even if he does live longer, he won't become spiritually worse? 

–– Geronda, when can we say that a person is reconciled with death? 

–– When Christ lives inside him, then death is a joy. But one must not rejoice in dying just because he has become tired of this life. When you rejoice in death, in the proper sense, death goes away to find someone who's scared! When you want to die, you don't. Whoever lives the easy life is afraid of death because he is pleased with worldly life and doesn't want to die. If people talk to him about death, he reacts with denial: "Get away from here!" However, whoever is suffering, whoever is in pain, sees death as a release and says, "What a pity, Charon has not yet come to take me... He must have been held up!" 

Few are the people who welcome death. Most people have unfinished business and don't want to die. But the Good God provides for each person to die when he is fully matured. In any case, a spiritual person, whether young or old, should be happy to live and be happy to die, but should never pursue death, for this is suicide. 

For a person who is dead to worldly matters and has been spiritually resurrected, there is never any agony, fear or anxiety, for he awaits death with joy because he will be with Christ and delight in His presence. But he also rejoices in being alive, again because he is united with Christ even now and experiences a portion of the joy of Paradise here on earth and wonders whether there is a higher joy in Paradise than the one he feels on earth. Such people struggle with philotimo* and self-denial; and because they place death before themselves and remember it every single day, they prepare more spiritually, struggling daringly, and defeating vanity.

* A way of life expressed through acts of generosity and sacrifice without expecting anything in return.

Reference: Elder Paisios of Mount Athos Spiritual Councils IV: Family Life, pp 274-276.

A Simple Life?

Elder Paisios says,

"The more people distance themselves from natural, simple life and embrace luxury, the more they suffer from anxiety."

Sitting here on the patio of an historical home on the edge of the cauldera in Santorini Greece, I was reflecting on the many blessings I have received over the years including an abundance of luxury. I have never been forced to live in poverty and spent most of my life distanced from a simple life.  But, in my mature years, I have continually desired a life lived more simply in harmony with nature. I can relate to what Elder Paisios is saying.

At one point I was part of a small group that decided to change our way of life, to live simply and purposefully in harmony with nature and spirit. The idea was to live off the land, self-sufficiently and sustainably. We created an organic garden, used solar panels for our power, used wood to heat our homes, and made minimal use of power equipment. We did not have a tractor and did all the gardening by hand. We built our homes using the lumber cut from the trees on the property. It was a simple life lived close to nature.

The Elder Paisios further says,

"People try to calm themselves with tranquilizers or with the theories of yoga, and they neglect altogether the true serenity that comes when the soul is humble and God fills it with divine consolation."

I have also experienced this path to escape the anxieties of a materialistic worldly life. I was a user of tranquilizers in my early career and a participant in a meditation program that promised peace and harmony.

Neither of the above approaches satisfies the soul. When living purposefully in harmony with nature and spirit there was some relief from the anxiety of a city life but there were new forms of anxiety that replaced the old ones. Our attempt to live the purposeful life lasted only five years before it was abandoned as idealistic and an impractical way to live in our modern culture. It too was a worldly approach to life.

Elder Paisios says,

"When we see a person who has everything be stressed, anxious and sad, we must know that God is missing from his life. In the end, even wealth will make people suffer, because the material goods cannot really satisfy them. Theirs is a double affliction."

The anxiety we seek to be relieved from is caused by a spiritual sickness. We are separated from our creator, God. Our soul mourns and seeks to become reunited with God. We seek meaning from material things and worldly activities but they cannot satisfy what is lacking.

Joy and peace come from a realized relationship with a God, a personal relationship, one based on mutual love. How do we realize this? This is what I have found to be the Orthodox Christian way of life as taught but our Church Fathers based on the teachings of Jesus Christ and His disciples.

This is the aim of the Church, Christ's Body here on earth in this moment. While living at the intentional community designed to live in harmony with nature and spirit, I was given the insight to give up my own solutions to the angst I felt, and instead, surrender to Christ and His Church. I then had to seek and learn what the Church taught. Saint Theophan the Recluse in his book, Path to Salvation, provided the needed direction. I also had the silent guidance of my guardian angel encouraging me not to rationalize or debate what the saints of the Church taught, but to strive to understand what I could not yet fully understand. This was a new way of life for me as I had always thought that I had to figure it out for myself. I found I was my own judge of truth. This idea of surrender was not natural for me. At times it felt as if I was going back to the Middle Ages. But, I always felt a sense of comfort knowing this path was an ancient Tradition founded on the life and teaching of the only son of God, who was both fully God and fully Man.

The foundation of my path was the practice of the Jesus Prayer. I had learned passage meditation  much earlier, but I experienced the Jesus Prayer as much more beneficial because it was based on a personal relationship with God, in His name. It also led one to many of the benefits claimed by passage meditation. In an important way the Jesus Prayer was more.

The Church Fathers provide us with clear direction to live a life free from anxiety, taking each step in companionship with God. This does not promise a life free from struggle or difficulty, but one where all the trials and tribulations can be accompanied with the comfort of God at your side.

The ten principles of the Orthodox way of life provide all the fundamentals you need. This path begins with faith, a belief in the truth of the Gospel teachings, and Baptism and Chrismation. Follow this link  to explore these ten principles.

A Life of Balance

I read the following article on the blog Kanylaki: Orthodox Spiritual Counsels and it went straight to my heart. Orthodox faith is based on Love, not legalisms, rituals, fasting routines or other self-guided efforts, but on a faith founded on love.  First, a love for God and second, a love of all Creation.  Too often we get focused on the disciplines and rituals taught by the Church as aids to our spiritual growth and make the mistake thinking they are the means to salvation. No! They are only aids. The Way is to love God with our whole heart and mind and allow His grace to work through our heart. It is only through His grace that we are saved, not by our self-efforts. Our self-efforts are only to help prepare us to receive His grace. We cannot allow them to get in the way through our obsession with them. 

The Orthodox way of life is a life of balance.  We feast, we fast, we pray, we worship, we work, we play, we love. God's creation is all good and we must use it properly in balance.  If we focus too much on the disciplines, then we will stifle our heart and lose love. Our heart becomes hard. We criticize others for their lack of discipline. We become more self centered. We become insensitive to the real needs of others. The Holy Spirit holds back. The grace we seek seems distant. I know this error well. May the Lord have mercy!

Please read the article below written by one of my favorite Elders, Paisios.

Elder Paisios-On The Letter of The Law

Elder Paisios 

I once asked someone: "What type of warrior do you consider yourself to be? Christ's warrior or temptation's warrior? Are you aware that the evil of temptation also has its own warriors?"

A Christian must not be fanatic; he must have love for and be sensitive towards all people. Those who inconsiderately toss out comments, even if they are true, can cause harm.

 I once met a theologian who was extremely pious, but who had the habit of speaking to the (secular) people around him in a very blunt manner; his method penetrated so deeply that it shook them very severely. He told me once: "During a gathering, I said such and such a thing to a lady." But the way that he said it, crushed her. "Look", I said to him, "you may be tossing golden crowns studded with diamonds to other people, but the way that you throw them can smash heads, not only the sensitive ones, but the sound ones also."

Let's not stone our fellow-man in a so-called "Christian manner." The person who - in the presence of others - checks someone for having sinned (or speaks in an impassioned manner about a certain person), is not moved by the Spirit of God; he is moved by another spirit.

The way of the Church is LOVE; it differs from the way of the legalists. The Church sees everything with tolerance and seeks to help each person, whatever he may have done, however sinful he may be.

I have observed a peculiar kind of logic in certain pious people. Their piety is a good thing, and their predisposition for good is also a good thing; however, a certain spiritual discernment and amplitude is required so that their piety is not accompanied by narrow-mindedness or strong-headedness. Someone who is truly in a spiritual state must possess and exemplify spiritual discernment; otherwise he will forever remain attached to the "letter of the Law", and the letter of the Law can be quite deadly.

A truly humble person never behaves like a teacher; he will listen, and, whenever his opinion is requested, he responds humbly. In other words, he replies like a student. He who believes that he is capable of correcting others is filled with egotism.

A person that begins to do something with a good intention and eventually reaches an extreme point, lacks true discernment. His actions exemplify a latent type of egotism that is hidden beneath this behavior; he is unaware of it, because he does not know himself that well, which is why he goes to extremes.

Quite often, people begin with good intentions, but look where they may find themselves! This was the case with the "icon-worshippers" and the "iconoclasts" of the past: both cases were extremes! The former had reached the point of scraping off icons of Christ and placing the scrapings into the Holy Chalice in order to "improve" Holy Communion; the latter, on the other hand, burnt and totally discarded all icons. That is why the Church was obliged to place the icons in higher places, out of reach, and, when the dispute was over, lowered them so that we can venerate them and thus confer the appropriate honor to the persons portrayed therein...

- Elder Paisios the Athonite, The Letter of the Law

Sanctifying Work

The practice of our faith does not end at home but must be part of our whole life.  Often when we go to our work we feel separated from our faith and subjected to a different set of rules.  There is some truth to this as each organization has its values which are encoded into their systems and procedures and norms of workplace behavior. So we may find that we bring into our work a different value system based on our Orthodox faith. Even if it is different we must bring it through our presence and witness to our faith.

We sanctify our work thorough our way of life and our prayers. It is by our inner state that our work becomes sanctified. It is ideal when our employer also has a desire to sanctify the workplace because he or she will then have concern about each employee's spiritual growth. We cannot count on this however.

Here is what Elder paisios has to say,

Every profession can be sanctified. For example, a doctor mustn't forget that what helps the most in medicine is the Grace of God. This is why he should strive to become a vessel of Divine Grace. A doctor who is a good Orthodox Christain, along with being a good scientist, helps the sick with his kindness and his faith, because he encourages them to face their illness with faith. He can say to someone who suffers from a very serious illness: "This is as far as medicine has progressed. From this point on however, there is also God Who works miracles."

In our work, as we perfect our inner being to become centered in God at all times, we will find many ways to glorify God through our actions.  It may be a kind word to a fellow employee, an act of kindness to a customer, or spiritual advice we are able to give to another person we interact with. It's not always what we say but how we are. It all depends on our ability to love others no matter what their value system is. When we do this we will discern the right things to say to others that will glorify God in His love for all mankind.

We can include icons in our work space to help keep us focused. We can take a few breaks during the day for silent prayer to keep us centered. And when we are idle we can recite the Jesus prayer over and over. And at all time we must be ever watchful for those ugly passion that can rear their ugly head at any time. 

But all this assumes we are living the Orthodox way of life. This is a life of repentance, of daily prayer coupled with fasting according to the guidelines of the Church or our spiritual father. It assumes we regularly participate in the sacraments of Holy Communion and Holy Confession.  It means we must be students of the Holy Scripture and the writings of the Church Fathers. When we live a sanctified life based on our love for God and our deep faith we are led along a path of inner purification. As our inner being is purified we can become more effective in sanctifying our work place. As we sanctify ourselves we can sanctify the places we work.

Reference:Elder Paisios of Mount Athos Spiritual Counsels IV: Family Life, pp 185-186

How Can Parents Help Our Children Choose a Profession?

Choosing a profession these days is often difficult for young people as there are so many options and we are often find a conflict in choosing what we enjoy versus what will earn us lots of money. How can a parent help guide a child in this choice?

First, we cannot put money as our primary criteria as we will likely mislead our child. What is important is to discern the skills that God has given our child based on what they have chosen to do so for.  What is it they excel at? What is it that gives them joy? What are their innate skills and personality type. With careful discernment we can gently guide them in a direction where they make choices that are in harmony with God's will for them. We mustn't be too pushy about this or get in our minds what our child should become based on our desires. 

Elder Paisios tells the story of a parent who want their son to become a doctor, but his inclination was to become a priest. They wouldn't let him, forcing him along the path to medical school. 

The young man had studied Byzantine music and chanted; he had even made his own musical instrument, and found the tones on his own. He knew Byzantine music by heart. He had a gift. He wrote chants and services. As soon as he finished high school, he took the entrance exam and was accepted into the Theological School. His mother had a nervous breakdown because of her grief. She would come and to me and beg: "Father, pray for me to get well, and I'll let my child do whatever he wants." But when she did get well she refused to let him do what he wanted. Later, he abandoned everything and in the end wasted away.

We can easily confuse our own wishes for our children for what is best for them. We must try to understand what God intends for them and help them do whatever it is that fits their natural God given talents. This we can usually see from an early age.

Elder Paisios tells of a story of a two young boys who came to visit him who were about seven years old. One of them sat next to hims and kept asking questions. The elder then asked him, "What do you want to do when you grow up?" He answered, "I want to be a lawyer." The other boy was no where in sight. They sought out to find where he went and found him in the wood shop. The heard the sound of a hammer pounding on wood. When they entered the wood shop they saw the young boy pounding with a hammer a smooth plank used of planing that was on the work bench that was now warped beyond salvage. The elder asked him what he wanted to do when he grew up and he said, "A cabinet maker." The elder smiled at him and said to him, " May you become one." He also told him with a smile, "so you destroyed the plank! Its alright!"

Naturally we want to help our children to avoid going in directions that are not in line with  their capabilities. So there is useful guidance we can and must provide. We also have to make sure what direction they take is in harmony with God.

Reference: Elder Paisios of Mount Athos Spiritual Counsels IV: Family LIfe, pp 178-180

Work is a Blessing

"Better to wear our your shoes than your blankets"

Elder Paisios quotes this old saying and asks, "What does it mean?" Clearly it is saying that it is better to work, which in earlier times would wear out your shoes, than to be lazy and to spend your time in bed wearing out the blankets.

  

Elder Paisios describes work in this way:

Work is a blessing, a gift from God. Work gives vigor to the body and refreshes the mind. If God had not given us work, man would have become moldy  Those who are diligent work into their old age. If they stop working while they still have strength, they become melancholy; it's like death for them.

There is no way to gain peace without engaging in work of some kind.  When we do take a break, like a vacation or even a lunch hour, when we did not return to work, what would we do? We would seek out some other kind of comfort. When it ended we would seek another. We would never find satisfaction. We would be filled with anxiety, not from work, but from our inability to find true comfort.  We would feel an emptiness, a need for being of some value to others. Our soul would be longing to carry out the will of God which is to help and love others. This is why even though we may find ourselves fatigued at the end of a good days work, we can feel a sense of joy that we have been useful, worthwhile, have contributed to the life of mankind.

It is important to carry our faith into our work place. We should pray before we take on our various projects for God to guide and help us. We should find ways to show kindness to those we work with. In this way we carry our God's will into our work place. What is essential is to always keep God in mind while we work.

Work is a blessing from God

Resource: Elder Paisios of Mount Athos spiritual Counsels IV: Family Life, pg176

Spiritual Life of a Couple

A common issue in a couple relationship is about their spiritual life. One can be very spiritual following the way of life prescribed for Orthodox Christians and the other not making any attempt to follow the practices of the Church. If not dealt with carefully this can become a source of great conflict.

The advice that is most commonly given is to first of all have love and do not judge.  With love, pray for the one who is not now interested in spiritual matters.

Here is advice from Elder Paisios when asked about this by a woman concerned about her husband:

Entrust him to Christ  and pray that his heart be softened. Eventually little by little, Christ will descend in his heart, and he will start speculating. As soon as his heart is somewhat softened, then she can ask him, for example, to drive her to church. She shouldn't say to him, "Come to church with me," but "Can you please take me as far as the church?" If he takes her all the way to the church, then he might say to himself, "I've come this far; why don't I go inside and light a candle?" In this way, little by little, he may make progress.

With prayer and kindness coupled with patience you can lead your spouse to open their heart to a more spiritual way of living. If you do not approach this with love and tenderness then their heart will be hardened and your relationship potentially damaged. By seeking to discover the little nudges you can provide you can lead your spouse in the right direction. But you have be clever so that your nudges do not become nagging.

Your spiritual father can also be of help. He can help you develop your own spiritual life so that your goodness will be transferred to your spouse.

Elder Paisios points out that women tend to be pious by nature. But once a man becomes interested in his spirituality, not even his wife can keep up with him. Then the wife must be careful not to become envious of his progress. If she begins to complain about all his spiritual endeavors and calls him a monk or priest in protest, then the man needs to tread very carefully. The aim is to grow together, but you will not always be on the same step.

If a difficulty arises in this case here is what advice Elder Paisios gives to the husband,

To keep the family from falling apart I advise the husbands, "When the right moment comes, tell your wife: 'If I go to church and pray a little and do some prostrations, or if I read a spiritual book, I'm not doing this out of an abundance of devotion, but only as a means of self-restraint, to keep me from being led astray by our wretched society and getting involved with bad company.'" If the husband handles it carefully then the wife will be happy and may even go on to outdo her husband spiritually. But if he is careless and insensitive, he'll crush her...

For many years in my own life it was my wife who was interested in spiritual matters and insisted on going to Church regularly. I would find excuses to not go. But, thank God, she was patient and prayed for me. Eventually Christ got hold of me and I could not get enough. I read everything, I went to church regularly, I prayed daily, I sought counsel from a spiritual father frequently. Then I became worried that my wife was not showing the same interest as I now felt. Somehow God gave me the insight to understand that we must walk this path together and that we would not always be on the same step along this long path. So instead of going my own way, I sought ways to involve her in my efforts and was careful not to judge, but to appreciate how she led me to what now gave me great inner joy. Through God's guidance we have continued to walk a path together. We pray together, we go to services together, we share what we are reading. We have found that an active spiritual life nurtures our love for each other. We still have our arguments but they do not last long.

The challenge for all couples is to seek a shared path realizing that this may take many years to achieve  but with sincerity on the part of either one of the couple, the other will be brought along with them and may eventually surpass them. It then becomes a beautiful dance where each leads the other at different times.  This is the way we have been able to grow old together.

Prayer in the Family

The power of prayer cannot be underestimated.  Often we think of prayer as an individual activity. But for Orthodox Christians there is an emphasis on the prayer of the whole community. This should also apply to prayer in our family life. A family should pray together.

If you are a family of two its quite easy to arrange for prayer together.  Currently this is my situation and my wife and I always pray together both evening and night.  But when you have a family of four with varying ages it is a bit more difficult.

We have in the Church the morning and evening services which are available as reader services which can be read in the home without a priest. The idea taught by Elder Paisios is to have the younger children participate in part of these prayers.  

He writes,

They should read the evening Compline and say to the younger family members, "You can stay with us for a little while, if you want." If the children are somewhat older they can set up a rule; for example fifteen minutes for the older children; two to five minutes for the younger children; and after that, as much as they want. If the parents make them stay for the entire Compline they will just end up resenting it. We shouldn't pressure them because they have not grasped the power and value of prayer.

Prayers are something that should be done every day, both in the morning and evening. The evening prayer is an especially important one for the family because it is a time when the entire family is together. Even when sick or tired you should have your evening prayers even though you may have to cut it short.

The morning prayers can be shorter depending on the nature of your family schedule. You can find shorter prayers in the many Orthodox prayer books that are available. It is best to at least stand in the front of your home icon stand together with your children and spouse, light the vigil lamp if its not already burning, and read together a few prayers before everyone heads off to their activities for the day.

By engaging the whole family in your daily prayers the unity of the family is nourished. Family life involves many small conflicts which can lead to larger ones and separations of members of the family. Divorce has become a major issue. If you are praying together it is much more likely you will not face this traumatic destruction of the marriage bonds.

Elder Paisios tells a story about family prayer,

I remember once, when my younger brother got sick, my father said, "Come, let us pray and beseech God to either heal him of the take him so he will not suffer." We all prayed and he became well again. Even at mealtime we all gathered around the table to pray before we began to eat. If anyone started eating before the meal was blessed, we would say, "He committed fornication." You see, we viewed the lack of restraint to be a form of prostitution. It destroys a family to have each member come home, any time they like, and eat alone without good reason."

As the elder points out meal time is a natural time to pray. Unfortunately today many families no longer eat together. This should be avoided if at all possible.  There is something sacred about eating together. To give thanks to the Lord for the abundance of blessing He provides for us is important for our well being and our relationship with God and the unity of our family.

Seek out ways that your family can pray together. If you are a couple you have an easy task. For those with children still at home it's a bit more difficult to get a common prayer time established. But once you do, you will be surprised at the benefits it will bring to your family.

Reference: Elder Paisios of Mount Athos Spiritual Counsels IV: Family Life, pp167-168

Hesychia in Daily LIfe

Hesychia means silence. This is important as it is in silence that we commune with God most easily. Silence is not just about being in a quiet pace, but having a mind that is empty of worldly thoughts. Elder Paisios tells us that silence is very helpful in spiritual life.

He writes,

It's good for one to set aside some part of the day in which to maintain quiet. He should examine himself in order to recognize his passions and struggle to overcome them and thus purify his heart.

Now the challenge is how to do this in the busy world we live in each day. First you need a place where you can become calm and not be interrupted. It is in silence that you can carryout your spiritual duties of prayer and study. Some, like Elder paisios, recommend that you engage in spiritual reading prior to prayer and this warms the soul and lifts the mind to a spiritual realm. This is especially helpful if you live a life with many distractions during the day, constantly multitasking. Just two minutes of study of a spiritual message is enough to lift you mind towards things spiritual. Once you feel the warmth of the spirit in your soul then you begin your prayers based on a rule you have established with your spiritual father.

Many people say, this is only possible for monks who leave this busy world. But his is not true.  There are many lay people who live very spiritually.  You will find many in any Orthodox parish who fast, attend the prayer services, say the Jesus prayer, go to Church on Sundays, take Holy Communion regularly, even though they may have children or grandchildren and a busy job. They make time for silence each day and give priority to worship. They try to live a simple life focusing on the basic needs of themselves and their family.

Paisios writes,

How simple spiritual life is! If one comes to love God, if one comes to recognize His great sacrifice and His good works, and if one exerts himself, with discernment, in imitation of the saints, he will be quickly sanctified  It is enough that he be humbled, that he be conscious of his own wretchedness and his tremendous ingratitude towards God.

See Daily Prayer Basics
Also Ten Points for Living the Orthodox Way of Life

Reference: Elder Paisios of Mount Athos Spiritual Counsels IV: Family Life, pg 166.

Anxiety and the Simple Life

Why is it that there is so much anxiety in daily lives? Usually anxiety arises when things are not going the way we think they should. To take a very simple example, we were troubled by a new refrigerator that made some loud and unusual noises. The old one worked fine but we wanted more space. We had spent a good sum of money for this new device and expected it to make our lives better, but instead, it became a very annoying device. We called the repair man and he came out and told us the noise was a normal one. Well, we knew it was not normal. So now, with a bit an anxiousness, we think  about what to do. Did we make a big mistake in this purchase? What can we do to resolve this new irritant in our lives? We call the person who sold it to us to see what recourse we had to correct this problem. In the meantime this issue lingers in our mind about how we are going to resolve it. For us the noise was unacceptable, and we felt it was unfair to expect us to accept this kind of performance from a new refrigerator. But how were we going to get a company like GE to do something about it? To make a long story short, eventually we did resolve the problem but there was a lot of  energy put into getting it resolved. Plus many idle conversations were had over this. 

Our lives are filled with much more serious events than this one that cause anxiety, but they all add up and we feel like we are suffering from something we cannot quite describe. When we are anxious, our demeanor suffers and our relationships with others suffer which adds to our anxiety. Also, and most importantly, our spiritual life is degraded and we lose site our our true purpose. We find ourselves focused on ourselves and mundane issues of a material world trying to get everything around us to go the way we want it. 

This is the basic problem with our materialistic way of life coupled with our self-centeredness. We want everything to obey our commands including mother nature.

Elder Paisios says the following:

People today have made their lives difficult, because they are not satisfied with a few things, but are constantly chasing after more and more material goods. 

So how do we deal with this fact of modern life? We can't all go off to a monastery and escape. The key is to not set such high expectations out of this material world and set our hopes instead on the life to come. We can learn to strive less for material well being and begin to strive more for spiritual well being.

Elder Paisios says,

Those who would like to live a genuine spiritual life must first of all be satisfied with a few things. When their life is simplified without too many concerns and nuances, not only will they be liberated from the worldly spirit, they will also have plenty of time available for spiritual things. Otherwise they will tire themselves out by trying to follow the fashion of the times; they will lose their serenity and will gain only great anxiety. 

All the fancy things we pile onto our life adds to its complexity. You can do something as simple as install a new carpet and then find you begin to worry about it getting soiled and start tormenting all who come through your house. Just because of a carpet! 

We can learn to seek simple and practical material goods, things that make our life easier with less hassle. This is not a simple task but one worthwhile pursuing. Keep life simple and you will find you have more energy for the spiritual life which will bring you great rewards and joy instead of anxiety.

Identify things you do not really need. Seek a smaller house rather than a large one. Identify at least one activity that you can withdraw from to make more free time in your life. Identify one relationship you need to sever. Make time for and build a habit of daily prayer. Simplify your daily menu and follow the fasting guidelines. Repent continually and participate in the life giving sacrament of Holy Communion. With a little effort you can begin to change your way of life towards one that demands less rather then more. The monetary surplus that emerges you can use to help those who are disadvantaged and who cannot meet the minimal material needs of daily life. This is the right path. This is the Orthodox way of life.

Ten Points for Living an Orthodox Way of Life.

Reference: Elder Paisios of Mount Athos Spiritual Counsels IV: Family Life, p 160

Grumbling

Have you noticed how some people are always grumbling?  I have a good friend who always begins his story about his latest trip by telling me endlessly about all the problems he had with the airlines.  Now, I have traveled a lot and have not normally had any particular difficulties other than an occasional delay or a lost bag, but generally I am thankful that the flight gets me from point A to point B in a very short time without much to be concerned about. But why is it that this person always has such dire troubles when he travels?  My only conclusion is that he is simply a grumbler. It's the way he looks at the world and therefore experiences it an a negative way.

This attitude can be very dangerous for our spiritual well being. Negative thoughts can fill our minds and corrupt our view of the goodness that is all around us. We are not able to see and experience God's grace for us. 

Elder Paisos tells a story about this issue.

I knew two farmers in Epirus. One of them was a family man who had a couple of small fields and who entrusted everything to God. He worked, as much as he could, without anxiety. He would say, "I'll do as much as I can manage." Occasionally, some of the hay bales would spoil in the rain because he didn't gather them in time, while other bales were scattered by the wind; and yet for all things he would say, "Glory to you, O God!" and everything went well for him. The other farmer had many fields, cows, and so on, but no children. If you asked him, "how are you doing?"; he would invariably respond, "Forget about it; don't even ask!"  He never said, "Glory to You, O God"; he was always grumbling. And so that  you will see -- sometimes a cow of his would die; sometimes one thing would happen to him, sometimes something else. He had everything, but he made no progress.

So what is the spiritual message here? If we are bound up with negative thoughts all the time we will never recognize God's blessings. We become separated from God. As Elder Paisios puts it, "How are we to taste God's blessings, if He gives us, for example, bananas and we're thinking of whatever better things some ship-owner might be eating?" Those who accept what God's gives them with thanks, develop a spiritual sensitivity and are able to know and experience God's love for them. Those who continually grumble miss His energies that are always their to comfort and guide them. They live blind to God bound up by their own negative thoughts.

As the Elder puts its, "We don't understand that happiness is in eternity and not in vanity."

Reference: Elder Paisios of Mount Athos Spiritual Counsels IV: Family LIfe, p 158

Giving Children Room to Grow

One of the challenges of parenthood is giving or child the freedom to act on their own.  This is essential for their development, both spiritually and for their life in this world. When a child is very young we protect them carefully as they are not yet able to use their free will with any intelligence.  But as they grow there comes a time when we have to loosen the reigns a bit.

You do not want to make the mistake of over controlling them and forcing our will on them constantly as this will only drive the child away from you. But they still need to have quite a bit of supervision so as not to fall into grave trouble.

Elder Paisios uses the analogy with a garden to explain how this should work in a healthy relationship between child and parent. He writes:

Parents cannot help their children by force; they suffocate them...The can keep watch over their children to keep them in line, but without creating a distance between them. They should do what a good gardener does when he plants a small tree: He ties it gently to a strong stake to keep it from growing crooked and from being harmed when the wind blows a little to the right, a little to the left. He waters it regularly, taking care that its branches grow. He may also surround it with a fence so that goats will not eat it, for if the goats eat its branches and truncate it, the tree will be destroyed. A truncated tree cannot bear fruit; it can't provide any shade. Once the branches grow big and strong, then the gardener removes the fence, and the tree can bear fruit and comfort goats, sheep,and people with its shade.

To often parents will try and tie their children with "hard wire." What is proper is a gentle tying. There needs to be room for them to make their own choices little by little. As they learn the consequences of their actions you can reinforce their action with the teachings of the Gospel.  In this way they can learn how to use their free will in line with God's commandments.  They can learn how to choose in ways that will yield for them a good life based on Christ. As we do this we must remember to constantly pray for them asking God to guide them in their choices.

If we tied them too tightly like with wire and are always saying "no" the child may rebel and you will lose all your influence, in fact you will become a negative influence from their perspective. Our constraints have to be carefully chosen  and always based on our love and understanding of their need to grow.  A child will not always understand the love behind your"no" but when used judiciously it will have the right impact.

The worst thing is to treat the child as a friend. In most cases we do not reprimand friends and just accept them as they are.  We are not trying to develop them. But our children need our guidance to develop properly. We must be able to say  "no" when necessary without feeling the child will reject us.  This is why it is necessary to  always provide a little room for their own choice and allow them to make small mistakes so they can learn to make good choice on their own and experience the loving guidance you are giving them.

Include them in your prayers always and pray with them each day.  Daily prayer is essential for our spiritual growth as children and as adults. Its best when the family prays together daily.

How to Deal With a Child who Goes Astray

One of our biggest worries and sources of anguish as parents is when our children leave home and then fall away from the teachings of the Church. This is true especially in regards to sexual behaviors. Let's assume for this discussion that the parents have provided a loving relationship for the child and have joined with them in daily prayer and regular participation in the sacramental life of the Church. In other words, the parents have done everything "right" in the child's Orthodox upbringing. Even in such a case, when a child leaves home, he or she is now, often for the first time, under the guidance of their own free will. It is not unusual that your child will misuse this God-given gift, just as you surely have in your younger years.

What is a parent to do when they find out their child has gone astray?

Elder Paisios has a surprising answer.

Even the most serious fall of the children shouldn't make parents desperate, for sin has become fashionable in our time. They should always keep in mind the following: Now days, young people will be granted certain "extenuating circumstances" and will be judged with leniency for their transgressions. Today a grade of "seven" for conduct is the equivalent to the "ten" - "excellent" of our schooldays. Of course, parents will always try to help their children, but they mustn't be overly anxious. Children will get more sensible and experienced with time. Right now they may not understand what is good because their mind has not yet matured. Their mind is cloudy and it lacks clarity to discern the danger that lies ahead and the irreparable damage they can suffer.

Realizing that today's culture is much more difficult than the one we as parents were raised in, how are we to react to the misadventures of our children. Are we to get upset and confront them?  Should we try to constraint them in any way? Should we disassociate ourselves from them as long as they engage in sinful activities?  What are we to do?

Elder Paisios says,

It would be good if the parents indicated to the child that they do not get upset over unacceptable behavior; but they mustn't become overbearing; and of course, they should continue to pray. Prayers, spoken with pain, are effective. If the child does something very serious, the parents must intervene appropriately. If it is not so serious, they they can overlook it a little, so as not to provoke the child and make the situation worse by causing the child to distance himself from them. They must pray to Christ and Panagia to protect their child.

He is saying that we need to let them know that we are understanding of the difficult condition that they now face and our love for them is unconditional. We want them to know that they can continue to confide in us and we will try and offer loving advice that will be helpful to them as they mature and struggle to overcome the difficulties of life lived out of their own free will. We can share with them our own struggles. And most importantly we must offer fervent prayers in their behalf.

The Elder tells a story:

When I was at the Skete of Iveron, a young man came by chance and found me. He was wandering in Chalkidiki, found some group of pilgrims coming to the Holy Mountain and came with them to the kellion. My goodness, he was an atheist, blasphemous, most imprudent! He had a devilish cleverness  and believed in nothing. He swore at all the other pilgrims, young and old. With patience and a little effort, I brought him to some reckoning; I gave him a haircut, too, because he had very long hair. "Look", I told him, "may your mother be well, for it was certainly her prayers that brought you here." "You are right, Father," he told me. "I was wandering in Chalkidiki, and I don't even know how I got here." "If your mother finds out that you have come here to the Holy Mountain and sees you with your hair cut, she will feel such joy for you!" "How did you know that, Father? My mother will truly be overjoyed to see me so changed!" he responded. God turned him this way and that way and guided him to the ... master! How much prayer his mother must have poured out for him!

Reference: Elder Paisios of Mount Athos Spiritual Counsels IV: Family Life, pp 112-113

Resources on Orthodox Prayer

More on Raising Children and Making Time for Prayer

Today we lead such busy lives that many say, "I don't even have time for prayer.  At the end of the say I am so tired. With Children and the trend of both parents working this is a common problem these days. The only solution is to make sure you have the right priorities in your life.  To lead a balanced life you need to struggle to simplify it.  First examine why it is necessary for a mother to work while the children are living at home.  Is this a necessity or is it just to gain material things.  

Elder Paisios advises: 

It's better for a mother to be involved with the nurturing of her children... A mother [if she is not working a full time job] can speak to her children about Christ; she can read the Lives of the Saints to them. Thus, at the same time she will be occupying herself dusting off her own soul so that it will be spiritually shiny. The mother's spiritual life will then quietly help the souls of her children. Thus, her children will live happily, and she will be joyful because she will have Christ within her.  If a mother doesn't find the time to say even the Trisagion, how can she expect he children to be sanctified?
When she does her housework, can't she pray at the same time?  It was my mother who taught me to way the Jesus Prayer. When we were children and had done some mischief, and my mother was about to get angry with us, I remembering her saying, "Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me." When she put the bread in the oven, she would  say, "In the name of the Christ and Panaghia."  And whenever kneading, or cooking, again, she constantly said the Jesus Prayer. In this manner, she herself was blessed, as were the bread and the food whe was preparing, and so were those who partook of it later.

I wonder if in today's world we appreciate the significance of a spiritual upbringing.  The elders of our Church tell us the mother's traditional role is a most important one. Elder Paisios says, "The mother's devotion has great significance. If the mother has humility and fear of God, then family life is smooth." The challenge today with its materialistic orientation is to seek to simplify life so one parent can dedicate themselves to the nurturing of their children both physically and spiritually. Children are geared to learn by observation.  You are the models they will begin their life with. Make that model as close to the image of God as is possible.

A good friend told me a story of his early child raising days.  He had the habit of not going to Church each Sunday, but he instead stayed in bed and then getting up after his wife and children had gone to church to read the Sunday paper in peace. One day, is young son made the comment to his Mom,  "I cant wait until I get as old as Dad.  Then I won't have to get up and go to Church each Sunday.  I can stay home and read the paper and relax." He over heard his son saying this and this woke him up.  He realized he was setting a bad example for his son.  From that day on he never missed a day in Church.

Reference: Elder Paisios of Mount Athos Spiritual Counsels IV: Family Life,  pp 95-96

Nurturing the Spiritual Growth of Children

As parents, one of our greatest responsibilities is the upbringing of our children so that they, like ourselves, will develop a love of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. We have hopes that they will grow up to live according to the commandments, to become good teachers and maybe even a priest. Further we hope they too will have children and able to nurture them in their faith. Any good parent asks, "What can I to do to nurture the spiritual growth of my child?"

Our task of parenting begins while the child is still in the womb. If we live a good spiritual life during this time of formation, pray daily, participate in the Sacraments, living a good Orthodox life, our child will be born sanctified. This is also important in our task of upbringing after birth as well. We help our children grow based on how we practice our faith. If we lead spiritual lives, the our children will be more disposed to live a similar life and grow to help others in society by their service in the church and other good works that they may do.

If our children do not see us praying daily, or find we do not attend church regularly, or take them for communion but do not partake ourselves, when they grow up they will likely have the same habits or even worse. Children learn by the example we set.  We pass on our values through our actions. There is no Sunday School that will be able to overcome the bad habits of parents.

This is the same advice given by Elder Paisios who says, 

"Everyone should help the children, each person in their own way, with their good example, so that the children may be regenerated, live peacefully in the life and ultimately go to Paradise."

But what do we do when they rebel and disobey, even though we are setting a good example?  Elder Paisios reminds us that "children are helped chiefly by the example we set and not by force".  

The love parents show for each other effects the love the children have for their parents and others. Elder Paisios says, 

"When children see their parents have love and respect for one another, behaving with prudence, praying, and so on, then these positive images are imprinted on their soul. This is why I say that the best inheritance the parents can bestow upon their children in their own spiritual devotion."

Children need lots of love as well as much guidance. They need to know that their parents are willing to listen to them and care about their troubles, so they will willingly sit by their parents side to share their problems knowing they will be loved and receive affection as well as guidance.

Isn't it a problem these days that life is so busy that we often do not have the time to listen and give this attentive love that is so needed by our children? Do not our modern day work schedules often leave our children alone to fend for themselves, leaving them immersed in video games and other pastimes. It seems there is too often not sufficient time for parents and children to receive parental love and guidance.  I know many families who no longer eat their meals together.  As I was growing up eating together was always the daily routine. I must admit that I myself had a busy work schedule during the week but my wife was fortunate to be a stay-at-home mom. We always ate dinner together even though it may have been a bit late. We used to say jokingly, "I guess we are eating with the rich people again". I tried to keep my weekends open for family activities. In reflection I am not confident that I gave what I should have to the well being of my children thinking that my success at work was what was most important for them, but in reality this may have been putting material well being ahead of spiritual well being. It's important to have quality time with them each evening and especially when they come home from school or any other event.  We need to have a well paced life where our time returning home is not one where we are exhausted and stressed looking for recovery. When we arrive home worn out we do not have the tenderness needed to nurture our children.

Remember this thought from Elder Paisios

"Children imitate their parents even from the cradle. They pick up everything they see adults doing and record it on the empty "cassette tape". This is why parents should struggle to cut away their passions. I doesn't matter if some of these passions were inherited by them from heir own parents; they will still have to give an accounting to God, not only for not struggling to rid themselves of them, but also for being responsible in transmitting them to they children."

Reference: Elder Paisios of Mount Athos Spiritual Counsels IV, pp 99-107 

Pregnancy

We believe life begins at the time of conception.  This is the moment body and soul are united and a unique being is created by God.  From this point on this new being is being nurtured for a spiritual life, to be united with God.  The life about to unfold is the time where we are developed and perfected in God's image. This being said, pregnancy is an important point in our lives, not just for the mother. 

Elder Paisios says,

The nurturing of a child begins with pregnancy. if a pregnant mother is agitated and worried, the embryo she's carrying in her womb is agitated.  If the mother prays and lives a spiritual life, the child in her womb is sanctified. This is the reason why a pregnant woman should say the Jesus Prayer, study the Gospel, chant hymns and not be anxious, while others should also be careful not to upset her. Then, the child that will be born will be blessed, and the parents will have no problems when the child is young, nor when the child is older.

He is pointing out how important this period of life is in our spiritual formation. it is a time to reinforce our spiritual life, to concentrate on our daily prayer rule, to participate in the Sacraments and read the Gospel. We can also renew our appreciation of the purity of the Mother of God. We should think about how she was prepared for the birth of Jesus, the Son of God. She was prepared by a life brought up in the Temple, being dedicated to the Temple at the age of three.  This was a quiet life where God was her only thoughts.  In this way she was sanctified and prepared to give birth to the uncontainable God.  The icon of her often shown in the apse of our churches is called the "Platytera ton Ouranon: which means "wider then the heavens." A mother's gift of new life is a spiritual task as much as it is a physical one.  Human life is both spiritual and physical. We are psychosomatic beings, not mere biological entities. 

Our care for a new human life obviously extends beyond the moment of birth.
The Elder says,

After the birth, a mother should breast-feed her child for as long as she can. A mother's milk provides a healthy base for children. Children who breast-feed aren't only receiving milk, they are receiving love, tenderness, consolation, security – all of which contributes to developing strong character...
Now days, many mothers can't be bothered to breast-feed their own children.... who will give them tenderness and love? A can of evaporated cow's milk? Their heart is chilled as they're fed from a "chilled" bottle.

In the Church we formally recognize this new life by the Churching of the new born 40 days after birth. A tradition that includes Christ Himself.

The self-sacrificial love we are all called to give to others begins at the very first moment of life. It's important to begin a new life in the way God provided for us.  Today we often see a soldier and say, Thank you for your service."  When we see a pregnant woman we should also say "Thank you for you love and tenderness in nurturing a new spiritual being."  The role a mother plays in the first days of life are very important.  Like God prepared the Theotokos, mothers are preparing their child for a life centered in God.  This does not begin at the age of reason, but begins with the tenderness given from the first moments of life.

Prayer for Pregnant mother and unborn child:

O Sovereign Lord Jesus Christ our God, the Source of life and immortality, I thank Thee, for in my marriage Thou has blest me to be a recipient of Thy blessing and gift; for Thou, O Master, didst say: Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth.I thank Thee and pray: Bless this fruit of my body that was given to me by Thee; favor it and animate it by Thy Holy Spirit, and let it grow a healthy and pure body, with well-formed limbs.Sanctify its body, mind, heart, and vitals, and grant this infant that is to be born an intelligent soul; establish him in the fear of Thee.A faithful angel, a guardian of soul and body, do thou vouchsafe him. Protect, keep, strengthen, and shelter the child in my womb until the hour of his birth. But conceal him not in his mother's womb; Thou gavest him life and health.O Lord Jesus Christ, into Thine almighty and paternal hands do I entrust my child. Place him upon the right hand of Thy grace, and through Thy Holy Spirit sanctify him and renew him unto life everlasting, that he may be a comminucant of Thy Heavenly Kingdom. Amen.

Reference: Elder Paisios of Mount Athos Spiritual Counsels IV: Family Life, pp 90-91

A Mother's Love

I found this conversation with Elder Paisios to express what I have observed in the role of mothers I know.

He says,

It isn't enough to merely love another, we must love the other more than ourselves. A mother loves her children more than she loves herself. She will stay hungry to feed her children, yet she feels greater pleasure than they do. The children are fed materially, but she is fed spiritually. They experience the taste of food, while she experiences spiritual rejoicing.
A young girl, before she marries, may sleep until ten in the morning and have her breakfast prepared by her mother. She may be too lazy to do even the slightest chores. She wants everything at her beck and call. She has expectations from her mother, expectations from her father, while she sits at her ease. And although she is capable of loving, this ability is not developed because she's completely receiving help and blessings from her mother, her father, her siblings. However, from the moment she becomes a mother, she resembles a little engine that the harder it works, the more it's recharged, because love works constantly. Before, she hated to touch anything unclean, and she used aromatic soaps to wash herself. But after she becomes a mother, when you see how she cleans her soiled child, oh, you would think she's touching marmalade; she's not repulsed by anything. Before, if she was woken up early, she yelled because she was annoyed. Once she becomes a mother, when her child cries, she stays up all night without complaint. She rejoices in taking care of her child. Why? For she is no longer a child. She becomes a mother; sacrifice and love have come into her life.

I always wondered why you always see more women in church than men.  This self-sacrifice a mother gives a child is the essence of spiritual love, the kind of love that Scripture speaks so loudly about and calls us all to practice.  Becoming a mother seems to be something that models the love we are expected to have for all human beings.

Reference: Elder Paisios of Mount Athos Spiritual counsels IV: Family Life: pp 84-85

Sex in Married Life

It is natural for man and woman to be attracted to one another.  This is a God given passion and we know that it is good for "God saw everything that He had made and behold it was very good." (Gen 1:31) After the fall of Adam and Eve and the mortality of mankind, this attraction was essential to perpetuate the human species.  If there were no sexual attraction who would consider having children with all the difficulties associated with this?  

Elder Paisios points out that after Adam and Eve there might have been people with differing intensities sexual desire; some five percent, others thirty percent and others eighty percent.  But where would you find persons with only five percent of such drive today?  We live in a world where the pleasure of sex is glorified. The reality is that we also have been given by God the call and potential to attain what is called dispassion. This is a life based on control of our carnal passions such as sexual desire. To develop this desired state it is necessary to struggle to overcome what we can readily observe in animals who live with uncontrolled sexual desire.  Mankind is more than pure animal as he is also spirit and seeks to be reunited with God. This requires mastering our carnal passions - dispassion.

Some think that Marriage is the justification of uncontrolled sexual activity.  The Elder says not so. 

"The married are not justified, simply because they lead a married life, in forgetting that they are not only flesh, but also spirit, and should therefore, not let themselves be unbridled. The goal is for each couple to struggle with discernment and philotimo, according to their spiritual strength. In the beginning, naturally, the age of the couple will not help; but as the years pass and the flesh is weakened, the spirit can prevail more, allowing the married couples to begin experiencing divine delights. They can withdraw naturally from the carnal pleasures, which they now consider less important. This way the married are also purified and reach Paradise by way of the more comfortable path with its gradual turns.

This is not a matter than can be controlled by one alone, but requires a consensual agreement between man and wife. Its like a dance and a shared growth in spirit. Sexual intercourse is a pleasure give to us by God not only for procreation but also as an expression of our sacrificial love for one another.  It cannot be a desire to simply gain pleasure for oneself but to give pleasure to the other we love so dearly.  This natural passion needs to be used in its proper way and controlled.

This is an issue that will also affect a couple's children if not controlled.  The Elder says,

They have an obligation to struggle to practice temperance, so as not to impart this carnal passions to their children. You see, young children whose parents have a heightened carnal frame of mind, ail, from a younger age, also have these inclinations, because they get their carnal mindset from their parents. At first these passions are very slight, as are all hereditary passions – much like the stinging nettle, very soft at first and easy to touch, but extremely itchy when full grown – and they can be cured by a good Spiritual Father who has discernment. If however they are not treated at a young age, the children will need to struggle mightily when they are older in order to rid themselves of these passions.

When we cannot keep our sexual desires in check it affects our relationship. To seek such pleasure for oneself is selfishness. One becomes a slave to physical desires and love is reduced to sexual pleasure. Love become getting something rather than giving. In this loss of true love, our relationship with God is also lost.  

Physical attraction is a God given passion but it is meant to be controlled. With dispassion that can be developed from childhood, a relationship that ends with a healthy controlled sexual life between a man and a woman is possible. This allows for the full development of our spiritual nature and a growing relationship with God leading to our eventual union with Him in eternal life.

Reference: Elder Paisios of Mount Athos Spiritual Counsels IV: Family Life, pp 66-68