Marriage as a Spiritual Journey

Having just celebrated 54 years of marriage I was drawn to reflect on this blessed sacrament. Elder Aimilianos says marriage is a journey of pain, love as well as a journey to heaven. I can say I have experienced the pain and love in my marriage as the two seem to go hand in hand.

The Elder says

“It is an adulteration of marriage to think that it is a road to happiness as if it were a denial of the cross. The joy of marriage is for husband and wife to put their shoulders to the wheel and together go forward on the uphill road of life.” 

A fruitful marriage requires an understanding of love as well as having a relationship with Spirit. When we participate in the sacrament of marriage our souls are being joined as one. Marriage is a union of two people. Being joined in Spirit we then begin a joint path facing all the trial and tribulations of earthly life. But for this to be a harmonious path and one that allows us to grow spiritually we must have a relationship based on love.

But what is Love? Elder Aimilianos says the following:

The aim of love is for one person to give joy to another person; to voluntarily deprive myself so the other feels at ease, feels secure in his life.

Saint Paul tells us that this requires “bearing patiently with another’s failings” (Eph 4.2). This means that love begins by accepting the other person as they are. This is the first lesson I remember learning in the early days of my marriage of 54 years. After our sexual passions are tamed we begin to see the failings of our spouse and of ourself. If the marriage is to survive we quickly grasp that this spiritual journey of union requires we accept that we are different and have different wants and desires. We each have our passions that must be endured until they are overcome and our self-centeredness is snuffed out. This requires the development of humility and selflessness. I think this requires along with our individual efforts the work of Spirit, a recognition that both partners are made in the image of God along with the acceptance that we are both sinners, unable to fully live the commandments of Christ. Being united in the Church we are aided in this struggle and given help with the sacramental life. Our life together in the Church is important. I was not Orthodx before I was married but thankfully it was expected that I join the church. This has made it possible for us to grow together with a shared faith. This is probably the greatest blessing I have received.

Love involves being kind to one another. But what does this mean? Saint Paul says, “We are kind by forgiving one another” (Eph 4.32). My wife taught me that forgiveness is a daily thing.  For her it was important to not let the night pass into a new day without resolving our difference. Saint Paul also teaches this. He says, “do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Eph 4.26). Because of her insistence on this daily reconciliation we never grew far apart. Another thing we learned to do later in life was to pray together each morning and evening. We don’t always agree with each other, but we maintain respect for each other’s needs and a tolerance of our failings.

Respect for each other is an important dimension of love. Paul also says, “Love is expressed by honoring one another - looking to each other’s interests” (Phil 2.4). To do this we must let our spouse have their freedom to do what they want. We have to respect their unique and personal interests. We have to show our delight in their pursuits and achievements. 

Further, we must learn to always be kind and to be careful when discussing our spouse’s failings. We must first express ourselves in a way that shows respect and brings joy, communicating an understanding of our respect and caring for them. We cannot know what is hidden deep in their soul, but we can assume that buried there is pain, difficulties and torments. We must therefore be very careful to not unknowingly hurt their soul. If we can first bring a “bright face” and make the other person smile in our discussions then both of our hearts are opened. Then it is possible for the Holy Spirit to work in both our hearts. Our respect and kindness for each other makes us aware of God’s love for us and we receive more freely His grace.

Elder Aimilianos says

When someone shows you the love of God, kindness, and delicacy of feeling, this is communion with God.

When our hearts are open we see the humanness in each other and then become sensitive to the failings we both have and have compassion. We recognize that neither of us is perfect. From this humility comes kindness, understanding and forgiveness. We can then help each other in our struggle.

Marriage is made beautiful by acknowledging our human condition, having hope and being strengthened by our difficulties. It is a spiritual journey of two people who have been joined in a union by the Holy Spirit. We become one and have the capability of complimenting one another because of our differences and imperfections. As Jesus told us, in marriage “Two will be as one flesh” (Mt 19.5, Mk 10.7). Marriage is a journey of love based on kindness and respect.

Saint Peter also gives us insight about the nature of this union. He reminds us of the innate difference between men and woman. He tells us that men have a different psychology and tend to be more self-centered and more easily tempted to become angry as their ego is challenged. He says women tend to have a gentile and quiet spirit with patience. They are not as easily angered. I am ever thankful that my wife has shown this quality and has the patience to deal with my ego that is so easily hurt. Men and women naturally compliment each other. This is all part of God’s plan for us.

Peter also says the man must show understanding of his wife’s desires, and he must always treat her with respect (1Peter 3.7). Failing to do so, he risks hurting her deeply without realizing it. I cannot tell the number of times I have learned this lesson. Peter also says that we must have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind” (1Peter 3.8). 

A good marriage involves pain and love. By having respect for each other and having kindness, accepting we are different but united in union, our struggle to perfect this union brings us closer to God. It is a struggle that purifies our heart so we can see God as Jesus tells us. Marriage is a spiritual journey based on love. In this way we learn to live God’s two greatest commandments, to love thy neighbor as oneself and to love God with our whole heart.

Thinking of Marriage?

Making the decision to get married is one of the most important decisions we make in life.  It is one that requires a sound spiritual life. One approaching this decision should consult with their elders first, especially their parents. Not just for approval, but with questions about what is essential for a successful marriage and what is necessary to create a good family. God gave us the means for physical attraction and all the pleasures of physical sexual relationships.  These can be overpowering and lead one to making poor choices if one is not careful and prudent.  Often one is attracted sexually prematurely and these passions can be overpowering.  There may be studies that need to be completed.  Or one may not yet be mature enough to create a new family.  Most parents know these things.

Advice form Elder Paisios:

I always emphasize that young people should try to live as spiritually as they can before marriage, since preserving chastity secures their physical and spiritual health. The spiritual life is a basic perquisite to whatever life one chooses.  The world has become like a wheat field that is ready for harvest, but swine enter and trample it. So now everything is in disarray – weeds, mud, wheat stalks, but here and there on some edge, there is an occasional wheat stalk standing on upright... The more  spiritual work one does during his youth the easier it will be for him in all things later in life... The better equipped and prepared one is before the battle, the better off they will be when bullets are flying and bombs are falling.

When thinking of marriage think of the spiritual qualities of that person you are choosing to become a life-long partner. Be careful to determine if this is possibly a person who has gone spiritually astray.  If one has a mature spiritual foundation have joy, but if they have gone astray and abandoned their spiritual roots, view them as a sister or brother feeling sorry for them and praying that they will find their way back to a sound spiritual life. Be careful.

Elder Paisios advises:

A young person ought to keep company with other spiritually mature young people in order to be helped and move within a spiritual atmosphere.

If you find that person you know who is the one for you, test this with a pure and chaste life and you will with the help of God be blessed with a good life.

Reference: Elder Paisios of Mount Athos: Spiritual Counsels IV: Family Life, pp 33-35

Love Between Spouses

What is it that makes a marriage endure? It's not that both are the same character.  For we compliment each other through our differences as we face the tasks of life. 

Elder Paisios uses the following common sense example, "A car needs the gas pedal to move but it also needs the brakes to stop." It is through our differences that we find harmony. Elder Paisios said think what would happen if you were both the same character. "For example, if both of you had a short fuse you would tear the house down."  Our compatibility in difference is the harmony of God.

What is essential for a good marriage is respect for each other's uniqueness. Respect is what leads to pure love.

Elder Paisios puts it this way:

Couples should have a purified love for one another... To live harmoniously couples need from the very start to set their love as the foundation of their life, a true genuine love, one that is found in spiritual nobility, in sacrifice, not in fake, worldly and carnal love.  If there is love there is sacrifice, one will always arrive at the standpoint of the other, understand the other, have compassion for the other. And when we take our neighbor into our suffering heart, then we take Christ Himself into our heart, and He fills us with His ineffable exultation.

Too often we think of love in terms of carnal or sexual encounters.  Such physical love is not evil in a marriage relationship but such love only unites people externally. When the worldly attributes of such encounters are gone such love separates them and there is the feeling of loss. But the Elder says, "When there is spiritual true love between a couple, and if one spouse losses his or her worldly attributes, not only will this not separate them, but it will unite them all the more."

The Elder shares a story of a Greek-American doctor who told him about what was clearly an encounter with the uncreated light of God. Elder Paisios then seeks to find out the condition for this encounter. The story follows:

I marveled realizing that this man had been made worthy to see the Uncreated Light, and I asked him to tell what had preceded this. "Father", he went on, "I'm married and have three children. We had a good family in the beginning. But later on my wife didn't want to stay home with the children; she wanted us to go out with friends. I went along with her wishes. After some time she said that she wanted to go out with her friends alone, without me. I accepted this too, and stayed home with the children. Later, she didn't want us to go on vacation to gather and asked for money to go by herself. Finally, she asked for a separate apartment to live alone. This, too, I did for her; but she had her friends over all the time. During this entire time, I tried to help her through various means, by caring for her, loving her and giving her advice; I tried to make her think of the children who missed her, but she remained unmoved. In the end she took a great deal of money from me and disappeared. I searched and asked for her everywhere, but it was in vain.  I had completely lost track of her. One day, I learned that she had come to Greece and was living in a house of ill repute. I just can't describe how upset I was by her sorry state. In my utter grief, I knelt down to pray. 'My Lord,' I said, 'please help me find her and do whatever I can to help her not lose her soul. I can no longer bear to think of her utterly fallen state of being.' It was then that the light flooded my room and my heart was filled with peace." "My brother," I told him, "God took notice of your patience, your forgiving spirit and your love, and brought you consolation in this manner."

The central idea behind lasting love is respect and sacrifice.  This is how God loves us.  He shows us how we are to love each other.  Harmony in marriage only comes from this pure love that is beyond all physical aspects of a sexual relationship. With pure love we will see God. Marriage can be a powerful path to union with God.

Reference: Elder Paisios of Mount Athos: Spiritual counsels IV: Family Life, pp 41-48

Marriage - nagging and spiritual growth

Marriage in the Orthodox Faith is one of the major paths for our salvation. In marriage couples can aid each other in their journey towards salvation. The other major path is celibacy found in the monastic life. Both are recognized as valid paths for salvation.


Saint Paul reminds of the following,

I...beseech you to lead a life worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and meekness, with long suffering, forbearing one another in love, being eager to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.(Eph 4:1-3) 

Be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. (Eph 5:1-2)

The reality is that today a majority of marriages fail. The divorce rate now approaches 50%. One common issue that leads to separating is what is known as nagging. Elizabeth Bernstein recently wrote about this "killer of marriages" in the Wall Street Journal (1/25/12). She points out that nagging is a problem more common than adultery.


What is nagging? It is the interaction between couples where one person repeatedly makes a request that the other repeatedly ignores so that both become increasingly annoyed. As I write this I am currently being nagged by my wife to fix the fountain on the porch and I have ignored her for several days. Like Elizabeth points out, nagging makes me feel like a little boy being scolded by my mother for not doing a chore. Why does she have to keep reminding of this little task when I will eventually fit it into my schedule? I don't really need a mother at my age. So how do we keep this behavior from becoming something that leads us to anger and a desire to separate? It becomes serious when the issue shifts from the object of the nagging to the nagging itself. Dr. Howard Markman of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver points out that couples who can resolve this problem will substantially improve their chances of having a long lived marriage.


This kind of interpersonal issue is exactly what the spiritual path calls us to resolve. What we are learning in such situations is how to love one another. These irritants, such as nagging, can help us grow stronger in our faith. They can be like the grain of sand in an oyster that leads to a beautiful pearl. As we learn to love one another in our disputes we also learn to love God. These marital spats can separate us from God and lead us away from salvation or they can lift us to overcome our self- centeredness, teaching us how to love, leading us along the path to our eventual union with our loving God.


Here is some secular advice about how to overcome nagging from the Bernstein article.
Calm down and recognize the pattern you are in and begin to talk about it as a problem that will have an impact not only on your marriage but on your spiritual life as well.
Recognize that both will need to make some changes in behavior.
Look at it from the other person's perspective. Use the tried and true "I messages." "Honey,when you ignore me I feel you do not love me."
Recognize that you are asking for something if you are the nagger . 
Change to using an "I message" instead of a "you message". Not "I want you to fix the fountain. You never do what I want." but "I would really like it if You could fix the fountain today. I know you are busy but this is something that means a lot to me."
Manage expectations. Make sure what you are asking for is realistic.
Set a time frame by asking your spouse when they could do the task.
Give a clear response to your partner if you are the naggee. Tell her if you can't do it right now and let her know when you can do it. If you cannot do what is being asked, give the reasons and discuss alternatives.


Resolving conflicts than result from nagging is important for marital health. Remember that love of neighbor (and who is a closer neighbor than your spouse) is the first work we must strive for to become a true disciple of Christ. In a marriage we must all bear each others burdens and when we condemn the other person we are only condemning ourselves.

"Unless you promptly strive for and achieve a loving peace between you, it is hopeless to bring tidiness and fairness to your dealings with one another. Humble yourself, not her. Love her, not yourself." (Russian Letters of Direction, Monk Makariĭ )

Regular time for daily prayer together is very important in developing a strong Christian marriage.
Saint Gregory Palamas writes,

Let no one think, my brother-Christians, that it is the duty of only priests and monks to pray without ceasing, and not of laymen. No, no! It is the duty of all us Christians to remain in prayer always.

Saint Nicholas of Zhicha writes,

Marriage is a great and wonderful mystery, one of the greatest mysteries of God's dispensation. A pure and honorable marriage, in the fear of God, is indeed a vessel of the Holy Spirit.

I am now off to fix the fountain.

Harmony in Marriage

When we celebrate the sacrament of marriage we become one flesh.  As such we are committed to share all things: our possessions as well as our weakness and failings.  Love of other is the basis of a fruitful relationship.  Our trials and tribulations in marriage leads us to a firm relationship with our God.  This is the spiritual path we have chosen.  It is the arena where we work out our perfection. 


In our difficulties we must pray to be shown the way to overcome differences.  To ask that we be shown our own faults so we do not dwell only on the faults of the other.  We need to pray for the strength to forgive all the trespasses that have been made against us as well as to be forgive our own trespasses. Married life is a continual test of our Christian values n action.


Prayer is essential for a loving peace.  Married couples should pray together


Elder Macarius says,

The joint prayer of a husband and wife is a great force... Remember that under all circumstances, humility is your surest weapon.

Reference: Russian Letters of Spiritual Direction, p 89